Chris had been through too much. The VoIP nightmare, the server meltdown, the Barry disaster—it was time for revenge.
Nothing destructive, of course. Just a little chaos. A little… rebalancing of the universe.
Phase 1: The Planning
Chris sat at his desk, fingers steepled like a supervillain.
If he was going to prank the entire office, it had to be subtle, undetectable, and—most importantly—hilarious.
Target #1: Steve (Accounting)
Steve was obsessed with spreadsheets. So, Chris added a tiny script to Steve’s Excel program that would change all numbers by ±1 at random every 30 minutes.
Would it ruin the company? No.
Would it drive Steve completely insane? Yes.
Target #2: Lisa (HR)
Lisa loved her automated email responses. So, Chris rewrote them slightly.
- Instead of “Thank you for your email. I’ll respond shortly.”, it now said:
- “Thank you for your email. I’m watching you.”
- Instead of “I’m out of the office right now.”, it now said:
- “I’ve left. You’ll never find me.”
Subtle. Perfect.
Target #3: Gordon (Finance Bro)
Gordon was always spouting buzzwords like “synergy” and “ROI maximization.” So, Chris programmed his keyboard to autocorrect certain phrases:
- “Efficiency” → “Chaotic energy”
- “Profit” → “Sacrificial offering”
- “Quarterly report” → “Dark financial prophecy”
Chris could not wait to see Gordon’s next PowerPoint presentation.
Target #4: Barry (Because, Obviously, Barry)
Chris decided to take it easy on Barry.
He simply changed his voicemail greeting to:
“Hey, this is Barry! I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’re calling about ‘The Incident,’ I swear I had nothing to do with it.”
Phase 2: The Pranks Unfold
The next morning, Chris casually sipped his coffee as pure chaos erupted around him.
- Steve was muttering to himself in the break room.
- “I know I typed 3.2%. Why is it 3.3% now?! I’m not losing my mind, right?”
- Inner Thought #1: He’s losing his mind.
- Lisa sent a panicked email to IT.
- Subject: “Someone has hacked my auto-replies.”
- Body: “Everyone thinks I’ve disappeared. The CEO just asked if I’m safe. CHRIS, HELP.”
- Inner Thought #2: Oh Lisa, you’ll be fine.
- Gordon gave a presentation in front of the execs.
- “And with our new chaotic energy, we’ll see a dark financial prophecy in Q2.”
- Long silence.
- The CFO squinted. “What… did you just say?”
- Gordon, sweating: “I meant to say ‘quarterly report’?”
- CFO: “You… sure?”
Chris had to duck into the hallway to keep from laughing.
Phase 3: The Unintended Consequences
Things were going perfectly—until they weren’t.
Barry burst into Chris’s office, looking shaken.
“Dude,” Barry whispered. “I think I’m in trouble.”
Chris leaned back, smirking. “Why?”
Barry swallowed. “Debra just called corporate about ‘The Incident.’”
Chris frowned. “Wait… what?”
Barry pointed at his phone. “You changed my voicemail, right?”
Chris nodded slowly.
Barry continued, “Well… apparently, someone important called me. Heard my voicemail. And now they think I did something horrible.”
Chris’s smirk vanished. “Barry… what did they think you did?”
Barry threw his hands up. “I DON’T KNOW! BUT THEY WANT TO TALK TO HR.”
Chris paled.
Inner Thought #3: Oh. No.
Phase 4: The Cover-Up
Chris ran to HR, arriving just as Lisa was explaining to corporate that she had, in fact, not vanished.
“Lisa,” Chris gasped, “we have… a problem.”
Lisa rubbed her temples. “Do I even want to know?”
Chris pulled Barry forward.
Barry: “Apparently, corporate thinks I did something illegal?”
Lisa stared. “…What?”
Barry nodded. “Some exec called, heard my voicemail, and now HR is investigating me for The Incident—WHICH I DID NOT DO.”
Lisa exhaled slowly. “Chris. Fix this.”
Chris sprinted back to his desk and hacked into Barry’s voicemail. He replaced the prank greeting with something boring and professional.
Then, he sent an email to HR:
Subject: “Voicemail Issue”
Body: “Barry’s voicemail was hacked. The message was a joke. There was never an ‘incident.’ Please disregard.”
Within minutes, the HR investigation was called off.
Barry collapsed in his chair. “Dude. You almost got me fired.”
Chris took a long sip of coffee. “Worth it.”
Phase 5: The Reckoning
Chris had barely recovered when Steve stormed into his office, holding a printed Excel sheet covered in different numbers.
“Chris. You did something to my spreadsheets.”
Chris feigned innocence. “Steve, why would I do that?”
“BECAUSE I AM LOSING MY SANITY.”
Before Chris could answer, Lisa appeared.
“Chris,” she said dangerously. “My emails.”
Then Gordon.
“Chris. My presentation.”
Then Barry.
“I ALMOST LOST MY JOB, MAN.”
Chris set his coffee down.
Inner Thought #4: Time to leave.
He grabbed his laptop and ran out of the office as the entire office chased after him.
Epilogue
Chris returned to work the next day to find his chair replaced with a plastic lawn chair, his coffee swapped for decaf, and his desktop background changed to a giant panda giving him side-eye.
Above his desk, a sign:
NO PRANKING IT GUY ALLOWED.
Chris just smiled.
Worth it.