Printers don’t die. They multiply. They conspire.
Monday – Paper Jam Nation
Every single ticket said “printer.”
Client 1: “Our copier only prints in pink.”
Client 2: “It demands a password. The password is… paperclip?”
Client 3: “We sacrificed toner but it wants more.”
James stood on a desk and yelled: “NO SUCH THING AS A PRINTER PROBLEM. ONLY HUMAN PROBLEMS.”
Josh immediately tried fixing a jam by “realigning rollers with brute force.” Broke three.
Minh cleared five queues, wordless. One client swore he levitated the paper out.
Tuesday – Ritual of Toner
A law office reported their copier whispering when idle. Drew confirmed: it was reciting old fax numbers.
James: “This is how it starts. This is Skynet — but with paper.”
Josh spilled toner all over himself. Walked around like a coal miner.
Yusuf built a toner funnel out of a soda bottle. It worked. Client called him a genius.
Frank texted a photo of him holding a ream of paper with the caption: “Sacrifice complete.” No one asked.
Wednesday – The Jammed Gospel
Client faxed in 47 blank sheets. Each page bore one faint word: “Help.”
James tried to exorcise a Konica printer via Teams call. Result: it printed “LOL” across the client’s HR policies.
Minh shoved in a USB stick, tapped a few keys, and the printer spat out 300 clean pages.
Client cried: “It’s cured!”
Josh accidentally reformatted the breakroom label maker. Now it only prints “Repent.”
Thursday – The Wi-Fi Possession
Entire school district called: printers hijacked the Wi-Fi.
Kids printed memes nonstop. Teacher reported: “Every time I try to print homework, it prints Shrek.”
James screamed: “THIS IS THE PROPHECY.”
Yusuf reprogrammed the DHCP scope, muttering: “Shrek is love, but not today.”
Minh unplugged one switch. Everything returned to normal. He walked out with three staplers.
Friday – Paper Apocalypse
Clients lined up tickets: “Our printers don’t obey us anymore.”
Josh: accidentally set one printer as the domain controller.
Drew: found a plotter printing architectural plans of the office — future renovations included.
James: tore open a toner cartridge mid-call, screamed like a warrior.
Yusuf: brewed tea using the fuser’s heat. Offered some to Minh. He nodded.
Epilogue – Silent Ream
At 5:30 PM, every printer in every client office simultaneously went silent. No errors. No jams. Just… quiet.
James whispered: “They’re planning something.”
Frank, driving past, tossed a sealed ream of paper through the office door and vanished.
The cult had gone underground.